It’s Time For A Change

I moved to Duluth, Minnesota 1 year and 1 month ago, leaving behind my family and friends and everything I have ever known. I have lived on the east coast my entire life…always at least a few hour drive from my parents or my college friends. I always had a sense that there was more out there…that I was meant for more than I could experience where I was at. I had often thought of leaving, but the security of the life I had built was too hard to let go. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make it far away. Everything changed during COVID isolation. I had lost my routines, lost the frequent outings with friends, and felt a changing tide. I decided there was no better time than the present to make my way to a new city.

I applied to a job in Duluth on a whim. I had seen the position and realized I was very likely unqualified. But I took a shot in the dark and applied, because I knew that even if my qualifications didn’t match exactly, I could do this job. I never expected to get a response. Before I knew it, I was several interviews in and being invited to visit Duluth. I had never heard of Duluth, Minnesota beyond Duluth Trading Co., but suddenly it was everywhere. There would be a big weather event on the news or it would be the answer to a Jeopardy question. The day I boarded my plane I got a text from a friend in Richmond, Virginia saying she had just found a Duluth postcard under the cash register at Starbucks. I don’t know about you, but I’m one to believe in signs. I believed, whole-heartedly, that I was meant to go on this journey.

I landed in Duluth and hopped in my rental car, leaving the tiny 4-gate airport, and drove toward town. The town is built on a steep hill. As I pulled to the top and prepared to go down, the most incredible view opened up before me…a city, an enormous lake, blue skies, beautiful architecture. I couldn’t believe anything so amazing existed! Long story short, I went through the final interviews and signed the offer - I was moving to Duluth.

The first several months were exciting! I met a few people that were fun, I adopted a cat, hosted a TV show, gave a killer speech at a festival, and got to know the amazing staff at my office. My family visited and we traveled up the North Shore, seeing all the beautiful sights of the Northland. As the weather got cold, I learned how to bundle up and spent a few long and below-freezing days following a dog sled race. I was homesick, but too busy with fun opportunities to notice.

The winter crept on…dark, freezing, and with feet of snow. As I mentioned, Duluth is built on one heck of a hill, and I was (and still am) terrified to go down it in snow and ice. I spent a lot of time going from work to home to work. As an extrovert, missing out on a social life was crippling. I grew to resent the snow and the cloudy, dark days as I got less and less vitamin D, less fresh air, and less interaction. Soon it was Easter. I was alone, seeing pictures of my family enjoying their meal on a sunny deck, while I stared out the window at another snowstorm and negative degree weather. I started to crack.

Around this point, work became all consuming. Problems were coming at me so fast that I couldn’t solve them all. One employee who had been my confidant since I arrived told me that he was worried…I was the captain. If I go down, everyone goes down. I pressed on. A couple of my employees left, a couple went on leave, and I kept on the smiling face. As I saw my team get nervous, I held my ground, assuring them that we would be okay. The show would go on and we would make it through. I wondered how I could possibly not be having a breakdown. I was so busy I would be working 10-14 hour days every weekday…and working 4-8 hours on weekends. I had no social life, I was eating poorly, not working out. At this point the sun was finally coming out, but I didn’t have time to see it. I solved problem after problem, never catching up, always behind.

June arrived and we produced a monster of a cooking show. Like nothing that had been done at our organization before. Everyone came together for long days, including a holiday, worked tirelessly in the crazy heat, slept short amounts, supported each other, and made something we can all be truly proud of. It was exhausting…but my work didn’t stop there. As my team took some time off and some of our employees on leave started returning, my work only got more arduous. Deadline after deadline hit me in the face and I could barely keep up. I continued working the long hours, barely sleeping, eating takeout, calming my anxiety with a glass or two of wine, and then it happened.

Depression and burnout hit. Hard. I no longer found joy in anything. I hadn’t done any of my hobbies in months. I missed my friends and family. I couldn’t keep going at this pace. I was exhausted. I called my parents every single day crying. I took sick days here and there, but still had so much work to do. I watched endless hours of TV and played phone games until my eyes were sore. My whole body was in pain because I sat on my couch for hours and even days on end. I started losing my hair in chunks, developed migraines and stomach aches so painful I threw up. I cancelled on plans. I started thinking everyone was out to get me. If something went wrong at work, that person was trying to ruin my day. I almost broke when I had to postpone a vacation because I needed to train a new employee. I was at a point that I felt I could not go on for one day longer. Then, I got the news that my parents sweet dog, who I loved more than anything, was dying.

When they told me it was nearing the end, I got in my car and left…not even asking permission. I was not going to miss a chance to hug my best friend one last time after having only seen him once that year. I arrived and went through some of the hardest days of my life…but at least I had my family by my side. We cried together, started to laugh again together, and I started to feel a little more human again…until I realized it was time to head back to Duluth.

The month of August has been the hardest month of my life. Depression seeped through every vein in my body. I resented going in to the office every day. I resented not having time for my hobbies. I resented not having time to focus on the side business I had been trying to build for 2 years. I resented that I had missed my last year with my parents dog. I resented Duluth. The world became very dark. For the first time in my life I had thoughts about not wanting to be alive anymore. As I sat and sobbed on the couch, I would pop a melatonin and go to sleep at 7pm because I couldn’t stand one more minute with my heart caving into my chest. I decided I would leave.

I found a job opportunity, working for a friend, that I was sure I could get, back on the east coast, in the same place I was ready to get out of just a year before. My parents cautioned me to think it through, my friends told me to get on with it already, and I flip flopped back and forth. One day I would be working on my resume and daydreaming about being back with my friends and family. The next day I would feel guilty for leaving Duluth and my team and I would wonder if there would be a way I could stick it out. Back and forth I went….exhausted and confused.

Then one day, it hit. I went to an event with a group of women I had recently met…women that align with my values and who I look up to because they have pursued their dreams. When I left that meeting, I had an epiphany. I was staying.

I looked back on my life and noticed that every time something got hard, I would find a way to run away. I studied abroad in Ireland and was so homesick that I barely went out, I barely enjoyed myself. I regret the way I experienced that beautiful country to this day. When things were hard at work or school on the east coast, I would drive home to visit my parents, escaping the problems so I wouldn’t have to think about them anymore. When I found myself in a position I didn’t love or one I felt I was better than, I immediately sought the next promotion. When I couldn’t take it on the east coast anymore, I went to Duluth. Duluth…where all the signs pointed. Why would they have pointed me here only to bring me the deepest pain and loneliness I have ever felt?

That is exactly why. This move showed me what the deepest pain is. The deepest loneliness. It helped me to reflect on all my life decisions, right as I was about to make another one. I realized I have never allowed myself to feel and process frustration, anxiety, depression, loneliness, or hardship. I have always pushed it down deeper and moved on with life. This has caused me to bounce from thing to thing and to occasionally have a major burst of emotion, causing embarrassment and frustration. It wasn’t until I felt the most extreme depths of pain that I realized I am the only one who can fix this.

I can’t run away to my parents and expect them to heal my pain. I can’t run to a new city or a new job and expect everything to magically be better. I can’t expect being back with my friends to take away my depression. This pain…this difficulty dealing with hard things, with hard people, and with hard experiences…will only go away if I heal it myself. If I work through my thoughts, start listening to my body, feeding it nourishing meals, setting boundaries at work, and reframing the thoughts that tell me it’s all for nothing. I need to realize that I am stronger than these demons. I get to determine who I want to be and how I want to experience life.

I decided I need to give Duluth a chance…a real chance. I need to be open to new experiences and new people, positive and hopeful about the future and what I can accomplish here. I need to work on my depression and help myself to develop new habits to help address it and, eventually, overcome it. I need to realize what amazing connections I have already made - and what incredible opportunities I have already had. I need to realize that not everyone is out to get me…to learn how to better communicate with different personalities. I need to let myself live and be present and accept myself as I am and allow myself to be happy.

It is not going to be easy, but it certainly can’t be harder than it has already been. I deserve to give myself a chance to live life as it’s meant to be lived.

Will I still want to leave after I’ve gotten to a better mental state? Maybe. But at least then I know I am thinking clearly and making the right choice for me, not for my emotions. Am I still depressed? Of course. Some days I still can’t get off the couch. Some days I would rather give myself a two dozen paper cuts than go to work. But I am healing. I am eating better, moving my body, thinking more clearly through scenarios. I have started listening and reacting more meaningfully to people, getting outside in the sun (while it’s still here), started reading the books I love again and working on my side business.

For the first time in a long time I feel hope. I am seeing the beauty of Duluth that I saw that first day when I topped the hill. I’m finding peace in the solitude and meaning in my interactions. I don’t know what the future holds, but I am ready to live it with my whole soul.