Time to Heal
Each new year, as I reflect upon the year to come, I choose a word of the year. Usually, it takes me a bit of time to choose…how do I want to feel this year? What do I want to accomplish? Who do I want to be? But this year, the word came to me in an instant…like it had been sitting in the wings, just waiting to be called upon. This year, when I pulled out my journal, the word I wrote was heal.
The last two plus years have taken me on a journey that, at times, I wasn’t sure I would recover from. But writing this today, I know that it’s possible. I can heal.
I moved to Duluth, Minnesota in August of 2021. It was the first time I had moved more than 3 hours away from my parents in Maryland. I was excited - a fresh start! But I was also nervous. How do you make friends as an adult? Feelings of imposter syndrome were running rampant as I was heading away to start a job that I wasn’t quite sure I was qualified for. But my word that year was “curiosity”. I had decided that I would go into this new experience expecting nothing and interested in learning everything.
The experience started out quite well! My coworkers were kind, Duluth was gorgeous, and I quickly made some amazing friends. Even my first winter in Duluth wasn’t too bad! I embraced the cold, tried curling, went to a sled dog race, and got used to wearing layers upon layers of winter gear. At work, I was able to stretch my creative muscles by launching some exciting new programming.
Starting about 10 months in, though, I started to notice a change. The work that excited me started to become a burden as I developed intense burnout. My days were stacked with 8-5 meetings, so all the work I had to do waited until the evenings. Some days I started work at 8am and ended by 10pm, only to go to sleep and do it all over again. Even weekends weren’t sacred. I would frequently find myself catching up on emails in coffee shops or hosting events for work. The crazy hours exhausted me. I was almost always too tired to cook healthy meals…instead opting for take out or quick and easy things like frozen pizza or spaghettios. I was too exhausted to get up in the morning to workout or meditate and the habits I had developed prior to moving to Duluth slowly faded away.
The treatment I received at work began to worsen as well. Very little care was given to establishing any sort of work life balance for any of the employees. I was made to feel guilty for taking vacation time…I even was asked to work remotely the day we had to put down our family dog. I began to feel an extreme loneliness that couldn’t be helped by being around my friends in Duluth. I developed a deep depression the furthered the erasure of my healthy habits. I often spent every waking hour on the weekend laying on the same spot on the couch.
The treatment at work grew even worse…with gaslighting and emotional abuse. I was made to feel that every problem we encountered was my fault. I felt absolutely hopeless. And I felt an immense guilt as I tried to keep a good face for my team. With the little energy I had, I read books on leadership, tried to think of ways to heal the culture of my own team, at least. But instead, I just saw the culture get worse and worse. I felt that, not only, was every negative thing that happened at work my fault, but difficulties and anxieties my team was facing were my fault too.
My hair began to fall out in chunks…thinning to the point where I couldn’t wear a pony tail without seeing bald spots on the sides of my head. I also developed a terrible case of IBS (TMI ahead - skip this paragraph if you’re grossed out by gut stuff!). At extremely random times (I never knew what would trigger it) I would get a sudden excruciating pain in my stomach. This happened during the day, in the middle of the night, at friends houses, and even at the bar. Once the pain hit, I had mere seconds to get to a bathroom where I would have diarrhea that made the pain even worse. I would become drenched in sweat and the pain would then cause me to throw up. The pain still didn’t subside and it would pulsate in my abdomen. I generally ended up lying on the floor in the fetal position for 10-15 minutes until the pain went away. The cramps were so bad that I would have a sore stomach for the next few days.
The worst of these experiences happened at a local brewery when my parents were visiting. I ran to the brewery restroom, which was just two stalls…absolutely no privacy. As I went through the painful cramps and accompanying side effects, my mom came in to check on me. She was taken aback at my red face, drench in sweat…my hair sticking to me. My parents escorted me out of the bar, as customers looked on, and placed me in the trunk of my jeep, where I assumed the fetal position.
Through all this, the depression grew worse. Team morale grew worse. I began to receive complaints from team members, targeting me. I tried everything I could think of to help the situations…to adjust my behavior to help them…to create solutions. When nothing worked, I grew hopeless. I distinctly remember one evening, reading an email from a disgruntled team member, and reaching the absolute edge of the pain I could take. I erupted into sobs so aggressive that my body convulsed. I choked on tears as I cried “I can’t do this anymore” over and over again. I wanted it to stop. I wanted the pain to stop. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wanted to fade away into nothingness. I lay, swollen faced and congested, in bed until I forced myself to sleep.
Everything I had done to build a better life was gone. My health had deteriorated. My mental health was an absolute disaster. My routines were gone. Friends and family, I knew, were sick of hearing about my problems. My coaching business and Discovering Sparks profiles had all but stopped. I had no interest in any of my hobbies. I spent my days in feelings of utter hopelessness.
But that is not where my story ends. I did not give up. I did not let this experience beat me. I kept going. And finally, thanks to a lot of luck and a wonderful new friend, I was granted a new opportunity.
Upon submitting my resignation, I received a lot of complaint and pushback. I was told that two weeks was not long enough. I was told that “whatever was happening” to me in the winter months (hint: extreme depression) had been inappropriate to bring to work and everyone was negatively affected by it. I was made to feel that all of the problems the organization had, had been my fault and that now I was leaving, everything would be better. But I kept my head up, because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And finally….finally…I reached the light.
In September of 2023 I moved to Michigan to begin my new opportunity. The first few months have been an adjustment. I absolutely have some PTSD symptoms. I’ve had exhaustion, brain fog, and disinterest in work that I have been fighting through for months. But I’m getting there. In the first two weeks living here, my resting heart rate dropped by almost 10 BPM. My hair is back, I’m working out again, eating healthier foods, and regularly practicing mindfulness. I’m slowly figuring out who I am without stress. How to live life without a constant fight or flight response. I’m reminding myself, when there are issues in the workplace, that I did not create these problems. They are not my fault…but I can work to help fix them. I’m reminding myself that I don’t need to check email on nights and weekends…that it’s okay to just live my life. I’m refamiliarizing myself with my hobbies - and getting used to finding new and exciting ways to spend my time. I’m making new friends and getting back in touch with who I really am.
I am so, endlessly grateful for the friends I made in Duluth. For the positive experiences we shared. For the love and care they gave me. I learned so much….especially about what I deserve and where I should place boundaries. And now, my word is heal.
This year I will heal my body, my mind, and my soul. I will allow time for rest and recovery - but I will also allow time for passion and rejuvenation. I will find excitement again. I will find peace and I will find bliss. I will “discover sparks” again.
Never again will I allow others to control how I feel about myself. I am taking back my life….one vegetable, meditative moment, and belly laugh at a time.
